BLUE
by snowdrifts
Summary: though the lights are on / there's nobody home / swore I'd never lose control [WARNING: Mentions of death, self-harm and suicide.] [Mentions of Lucaya.]


**A/N: I'm not sure if I would qualify this as word vomit, but I probably should. This is a story about a series of events that happen after Lucas' death. It's a bit like _Waiting For A Friend_ , but is still very different. I'm sorry for those of you who are waiting for updates on my current stories, I promise that the chapters are in works. Inspiration hasn't been coming to me that easily lately, and I thought that maybe this story would help out. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I've been in a real funk lately, and maybe listening to the same song on repeat isn't the smartest idea.**

 **This is sort of based off the song "BLUE", by Troye Sivan. I strongly suggest you go listen to his new album, _Blue Neighbourhood_. It's an amazing work of art.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

There had always been something about Lucas Friar that distinguished him from the rest of the boys she knew. At first, she thought Joshua Matthews had that little something, but when she met Lucas, it all became clear.

At first, he was _Mister Perfect_. The unattainable, the prince charming her best friend had always deserved, and the most perfect guy anyone would love to be with. He had an incredible physique for an 8th grader - even if he was a year older - but most important of all is that he was the most loyal friend Riley Matthews, Farkle Minkus, Isaiah Babineaux and Maya Hart could ask for. His anger issues became clear to his friends after he had almost beaten up Billy and the other ass who had practically tried to kill Zay. They all told themselves that there was more to him than they knew, and Mister Perfect was gone.

Little did they know, he was as broken as she was. Maybe even more.

* * *

The day of his funeral was one of the worst days in their lives. As they watched his coffin be lowered into the cold ground, Riley's hand reached out automatically for her two best friends. Maya's hand found Zay's, and the four stood there, heads hanging low, saying their goodbyes to the friend they would never see again.

The first sign of a crack was during their freshman year of high school. Maya was the one who had noticed the faint red scar on his arm as they were painting sets for the school play. When she had confronted him about it, he had laughed it off, blaming it on Farkle's cat. The blonde knew he was lying, and she wished she had told him that before everything started spiraling out of control.

* * *

"Lillian asked us to tell you something," Cory started. At the mention of Lucas' mother's name, Maya felt her heart drop. She heard Riley gulp next to her, and immediately reached out for the brunette's hand. "I'm very sorry to tell you this, guys. But-" Cory choked up.

Topanga reached for Cory's hand and held on tightly as she continued his sentence. "Lucas committed suicide, last night." Riley's mother said.

Riley was the first to break into tears. As the parents left their daughter's bedroom, Maya could feel the foundations of the Earth shaking. Nothing about this situation felt right. Nothing about this situation made sense.

Maya was the only one who didn't cry, that day. She held each of her friends as they all cried and expressed their sorrow, but she couldn't. If Lucas wasn't there to help them and to tell them everything would be alright, then who would do it?

She decided to follow Lucas' normal actions in a situation like this. That's all she could do to keep herself from falling apart.

* * *

At school, Zay had moved up a seat and sat at Lucas' desk in history. He had gotten yelled at by Farkle, who wanted the desk to stay empty, but it was one of the ways Zay kept himself afloat. Lucas had engraved the first letter of his name into the desk, as he did every year. Zay's fingers would always trail on the letter, his mind focused on his best friend instead of the lesson.

Maya was concerned for her friend, but she couldn't do much about it. He didn't listen to Farkle when the boy had been yelling at him; there was no way he would listen to the blonde.

* * *

There was a night where Maya couldn't help herself. She had climbed the fire escape leading to Lucas' bedroom and had snuck in.

Standing in his room brought back so many memories to Maya. The dark blue room, illuminated only by the moonlight was just as Maya remembered it. Baseball trophies and medals were displayed in a cheap trophy case, the bedspread still had the black-checkered sheets that Lucas had bought for himself as his first "adult purchase", the pictures of him and his friends were still pinned on a wall, the drawing that Maya made of them was still hung up over his bed…

As much as Maya wanted to tell herself that he was still there, she knew she couldn't tell herself enough to make herself believe it, even for a second.

The blonde stepped over to his bed, kicking her boots off and leaving them by the window. She climbed on his bed, disturbing the sheets that hadn't been touched since his death. His bed still had the faintest smell of the cologne he wore.

Smelling his cologne was all it took for her to finally break down.

She wrapped herself in his sheets, pressing her face into one of the pillows, trying to muffle her own sobs. The poor girl ended up crying herself to sleep, wondering why the boy she loved had left her like this.

The next day, Riley found her best friend curled up in his sheets, her arms wrapped tightly around a pillow. It was the first time in a while that Riley had seen her best friend look so peaceful. She decided against waking her up and instead waited for her to wake up on her own.

* * *

Maya stood in front of his grave.

It was exactly one year later, and she still didn't know how to feel about his death.

Their band of friends was stronger than ever, vowing to tell each other everything that could lead them to commit something they might regret.

Maya kneeled down in front of his grave, brushing her thumb against the engraved name on the tombstone. She then proceeded on talking to the stone, something she had vowed that she would never do. She told him about their friends, about this new boy she met, about college, about her art, about anything that crossed her mind. But most of all, she let him know that she was okay. She still missed him every single day, but she was okay. She told him everything she wished she had said to him before he left.

She made her peace.

The blonde eventually sat on the ground, her back against the tombstone. Her three friends found her, a couple of hours later. The three said a few words to the piece of stone that represented their friend before leaving. Arms wrapped around each other, the four walked away, but not before Maya could turn around and look at what remained of her friend one more time.


End file.
